Why is Japanese porn so awful? All the girls look like they are being raped and the penises are so small chipmunks snicker. What the FUCK? Why, for the love of God, why?
They created Godzilla and tentacle porn - why is the real stuff either so goddawful dull, or so freaking misogynistic?
It's the tiny weeniers isn't it? Girls screaming, kicking them in the guts, blood, etc... all makes them feel like they own something worth having.
I'm tired and a size-queen... Give me some fun hentai anyday.
Green Sex
April is Earth Month, so I decided to bring you the best in green sex. Now, I want you to know that I am an omnivore, but I will not argue that vegetarians have a point about how not eating factory farm animals can help save the planet. So I have included some Vegetarian stuff too.
Let's start where I started: A dear friend of mine sent me this link, and it is apparently not a spoof.
Sex Toy Recycling
Can I just say that I am madly in love with their logo? I want stickers.
If you live across the puddle, this is the place to go for recycling: Rabbit Amnesty. Apparently, these were the first people to recycle toys. Brits are not prudes. Just wanted to remind you all.
I also love the term eco-gasam. I have bed-gasams after a really long day, and I used to have bodice-gasams after a long ren faire; but I have never gotten that feeling from recycling - maybe it's about time.
Now here we start loving the planet and her people:
Organic and Fair Trade is how I like my coffee and chocolate, so why not my sex toys, and a lot of these shops are touting sustainability. Isn't that novel? It will also make them safe for use as well - do we have to go through the Toxic Toy thing again? It is Phthalate Awareness Month as well you know. Even Green Peace was up on this in 2006.
Anyway, here are some of the Green Shops, some are beautiful and some are functional. I like them all:
Eco Erotica
Earth Erotics
Yes makes lube
Coco de Mer
And now the two vegetarian entries... One is a shop, The Sensual Vegan, and the other is smut, happy light hearted pay smut: Veg Porn: Titilating Tofu Eaters
And if you need any more ideas for greening up play time, check out this list of the top ten ways to green-up your sex life by the lovely Nicole Hughes of the Huffington Post.
Happy Green Month!
Let's start where I started: A dear friend of mine sent me this link, and it is apparently not a spoof.
Sex Toy Recycling
Can I just say that I am madly in love with their logo? I want stickers.
If you live across the puddle, this is the place to go for recycling: Rabbit Amnesty. Apparently, these were the first people to recycle toys. Brits are not prudes. Just wanted to remind you all.
I also love the term eco-gasam. I have bed-gasams after a really long day, and I used to have bodice-gasams after a long ren faire; but I have never gotten that feeling from recycling - maybe it's about time.
Now here we start loving the planet and her people:
Organic and Fair Trade is how I like my coffee and chocolate, so why not my sex toys, and a lot of these shops are touting sustainability. Isn't that novel? It will also make them safe for use as well - do we have to go through the Toxic Toy thing again? It is Phthalate Awareness Month as well you know. Even Green Peace was up on this in 2006.
Anyway, here are some of the Green Shops, some are beautiful and some are functional. I like them all:
Eco Erotica
Earth Erotics
Yes makes lube
Coco de Mer
And now the two vegetarian entries... One is a shop, The Sensual Vegan, and the other is smut, happy light hearted pay smut: Veg Porn: Titilating Tofu Eaters
And if you need any more ideas for greening up play time, check out this list of the top ten ways to green-up your sex life by the lovely Nicole Hughes of the Huffington Post.
Happy Green Month!
Discovery: Science of Sex Appeal
There are several of these videos on YouTube on the science of sex appeal. I've seen several of them on Discovery. I think I've found my calling. I just wish I could afford the additional education.
The Testosterone one (linked in the title) is very good, but I love all of it. The shape one is interesting because it hints at the things women do to call attention to certain body parts by the way they dress - hence the need for the grey mannequins.
Apparently, there is proof that men can be lead around by the nose. But, of course I have such a filthy mind I wasn't quite sure that the aroma the scientists were referring to wasn't that musky, "I just had amazing, hot, sweaty sex," smell. Dirty, dirty me.
You always thought your brother was smelly - turns out you were right. I also find it reassuring that this smelling your siblings thing wasn't because primitive people were too stupid to know who their closest kin were. In close knit tribes - everyone is kin, just some are closer than others.
Okay guys, you now have an excuse to want that sports car... (can you hear the eye-roll?) The first part of this segment is a no-brainer. The later part, about the cars... I wasn't surprised, but it did take me off guard. Really liked that Mercedes, btw...
Leave it to a scientist to condense and dramatize high school down to a 2 minute clip. Totally depressing. I was never a 10. But I sure as hell turned down more than enough 2's. Poor male 2 in this clip btw... she turned away from him twice and then settled with him because no one was left. And he was cute.
If you get the chance to watch this show - pop the corn and snuggle with your sweetie, and be prepared to glace furtively at them several times, wondering how primitive we all still are.
The Testosterone one (linked in the title) is very good, but I love all of it. The shape one is interesting because it hints at the things women do to call attention to certain body parts by the way they dress - hence the need for the grey mannequins.
Apparently, there is proof that men can be lead around by the nose. But, of course I have such a filthy mind I wasn't quite sure that the aroma the scientists were referring to wasn't that musky, "I just had amazing, hot, sweaty sex," smell. Dirty, dirty me.
You always thought your brother was smelly - turns out you were right. I also find it reassuring that this smelling your siblings thing wasn't because primitive people were too stupid to know who their closest kin were. In close knit tribes - everyone is kin, just some are closer than others.
Okay guys, you now have an excuse to want that sports car... (can you hear the eye-roll?) The first part of this segment is a no-brainer. The later part, about the cars... I wasn't surprised, but it did take me off guard. Really liked that Mercedes, btw...
Leave it to a scientist to condense and dramatize high school down to a 2 minute clip. Totally depressing. I was never a 10. But I sure as hell turned down more than enough 2's. Poor male 2 in this clip btw... she turned away from him twice and then settled with him because no one was left. And he was cute.
If you get the chance to watch this show - pop the corn and snuggle with your sweetie, and be prepared to glace furtively at them several times, wondering how primitive we all still are.
Okay, Maybe I was harsh on Cracked
So, here are a few of the lists I did like:
Fun stuff to pass along...
- Nine Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences)
- History's Ten Most Terrifying Contraceptives
- Six Sex Myths as Explained by Science
- Six Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible) - Okay, I know this seems hypocritical of me, but the ones that God didn't judge and smite (hence Biblically depraved), are incest. I'm sure we can all get behind incest being bad (except Solomon - Love Solomon).
Fun stuff to pass along...
People are very close minded
As you know, I am a very devoted follower of LOTD. The author of that blog, in turn, grabs a lot of content from Cracked. Don't get me wrong: I loved Cracked Magazine as a kid, and a lot of the stuff they post is very funny, but I don't get the judgmental attitude.
We all love sex. And we all love it in different ways. My personal feelings about some of the items on the Cracked list are less than chipper, but I'm not going to denigrate the toy, or the people who enjoy them - by extension.
Have you ever listened to someone tear apart your favorite book, movie, TV show? Made you feel pretty small. And stupid. Well, what about your sexual preferences? An area rife with insecurities and bad feelings.
I admit it, I sent a link to LOTD that was used as the mock sponsor of the day. It was a rubber hood in the shape of a dog's head. I very uncharitably sent it along, forgetting that the recipient would make fun of the product, and not the name: "Black Leather Mask Hood Goth Restraints Rubber Zippers". I did, in all honesty, ask, rhetorically, when Scooby got sexy when I sent the link. I just think that there has to be a way to feminize the product. I may want to play the puppy, but not the Great Dane.
We all love sex. And we all love it in different ways. My personal feelings about some of the items on the Cracked list are less than chipper, but I'm not going to denigrate the toy, or the people who enjoy them - by extension.
Have you ever listened to someone tear apart your favorite book, movie, TV show? Made you feel pretty small. And stupid. Well, what about your sexual preferences? An area rife with insecurities and bad feelings.
I admit it, I sent a link to LOTD that was used as the mock sponsor of the day. It was a rubber hood in the shape of a dog's head. I very uncharitably sent it along, forgetting that the recipient would make fun of the product, and not the name: "Black Leather Mask Hood Goth Restraints Rubber Zippers". I did, in all honesty, ask, rhetorically, when Scooby got sexy when I sent the link. I just think that there has to be a way to feminize the product. I may want to play the puppy, but not the Great Dane.
LOTD: Cheesy Pickup Lines of The Day
Completely ripped off from my favorite blog in the sphere, List of the Day. Do you have any to add?
-------------------
Cheesy Pickup Lines Of The Day
LOTD reader PrincessPi polled her workmates ("a bunch of dirty ho’s who’ve spend many hours in bars being hit on by drunken post-college frat boys") to come up with this list of pukeworthy pickup lines:Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course if I were on you, I’d be coming, too.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy.
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
PrincessPi: "The following are for nerds only, because they need lurve too."
If you were a phaser, you’d be set on stunning.
I’ve heard Uranus rotates on its side. True?
Ever wonder what Earth looks like from the back of a Ford Explorer?
Hey, nice GUI. Want to integrate our matrices?
Nice Wifi. Wanna fuck?
What's the worst one(s) you've ever used or heard?
And from MiscMasala.com, cheesy pickup lines in various languages, so you can be a loser in any country.
"Do you come here often?"
French: Tu viens ici souvent?
Spanish: ¿Viene aqui mucho?
Italian: Vieni spesso qui?
German: Kommst du hier oft?
Dutch: Kom je heir vaak?
"How you doin'?"
French: Alors, ça roule?
Spanish: ¿Què tal?
Italian: Come stai?
German: Wie geht's?
Danish: Hva så der?
"Is it hot in here, or is it just you?"
French: Il fait chaud ici, ou c`est juste toi?
Spanish: ¿Hace calor aqui, o eres tù?
Italian: Fa caldo qui, o è perchè ci sei tu?
German: Ist es hier warm, oder bist du nur heiβ?
Swedish: Är det varmt här eller, är det bara du?
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but you want to sleep with me, don't you?"
French: Baise-moisi j`ai tort, mais tu veux cocher avec moi, n`est ce pas?
Spanish: Que me jodan si me equivoco:¿tù quieres acostarte conmigo, no?
Italian: Fottimi se mi sbaglio, ma vuoi venire a letto con me, no?
German: Ich soll verflucht sein, wenn ich mich irre, aber du willst doch mit mir schlafen, oder?
Dutch: Ik mag doodvallen als 't niet waar is, maar je wilt met naar bed, hè?
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"
French: Que fait une gentille fille comme toi dans un esprit mal tournè comme le mien?
Spanish: ¿Que hace una chica tan maja como tù en una mente tan sucia como la mìa?
Italian: Che fa una ragazza perbene come te in una mente sporca come la mia?
German: Was macht ein nettes Mädchen wie du in so schmutzigen Gedanken wie meinen?
Danish: Hvad laver en pæn pige som dig i mine beskidte fantasier?
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
French: Si je te disais que tu as un beau corps, tu m'en tiendrais rigueur?
Spanish: Si te digo que tienes un cuerpo precioso,¿me lo restregaràs por la cara?
Italian: Se ti dicessi che hai un bel corpo, lo stringeresti sul mio?
German: Wenn ich sage, dass du einen tollen Körper hast, würdest du es mich spürgen lassen?
Thai (phonetically): Taa chan bok wa khoon mii roobrang tii som suan khoon ja yeng chan mai?
"That's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?"
French: Que belle paire de jambes, A quelle heure s'ouvrent-elles?
Spanish: Vaya par de piernas. ¿A què hora abren?
Italian: Che bel paio di gambe. A che ora aprono?
German: Das sind hübsche Biene—und wann öffnen sie?
Russian (phonetically): Haroshenikie nozhki, a kagda ani atkryvayootsya?
"That's a nice dress. It would look great on my bedroom floor."
French: Quelle belle robe. Je la vois bien par terre dans me chambre.
Spanish: Llevas un vestido muy bonito. Quedarìa precioso en el suelo de mi habitaciòn.
Italian: Che bel vestito. Andrebbe molto bene sul pavimento della mia camera da letto.
"My underwear is edible."
French: Mes sous-vètements sont comestibles.
Spanish: Mi ropa interior es comestible.
Italian: Le mie mutande sono commestibili.
German: Meine Unterwäsche ist essbar.
Hebrew (phonetically): Hatakhtonim sheli akhilim.
And, if any of these should actually work...
"I'm not sleeping on the wet spot."
French: Je ne dors pas sur la partie mouillèe.
Spanish: Yo no duermo encima de este charco.
Italian: Non dormo sulla chiazza bagnata.
German: Ich schlafe nicht auf der nassen Stelle.
Thai (phonetically): Chan ja mai non bon puen biaak.
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I have a dear friend, an ex if we are to be completely honest, who once used a train wreck of a line. My friend is cute (would I date anything but?), but he tends to be shy when confronted by pretty girls. There was a girl that gave him a semi by merely breathing in and out, so a friend told him to go talk to her.
"Wanna come up to my place for a coffee and a fuck?"
*SLAP*
"What? You don't like coffee?"
*hysterical laughter*
They dated for 6 months.
So, any success stories?
The Amazing 2-in-1 Condom
I cannot find a picture of this thing anywhere! My darling SO went to the free clinic yesterday (for a sinus infection) and came home with "The Amazing 2-in-1 Condom".
It looks like an over-sized vermilion matchbook. You flip it open and there is a very bland condom in a clear wrapper that is stapled where the matches would be. On the inside of the matchbook, where hand-written phone numbers should go is the following text:
It looks like an over-sized vermilion matchbook. You flip it open and there is a very bland condom in a clear wrapper that is stapled where the matches would be. On the inside of the matchbook, where hand-written phone numbers should go is the following text:
"Keep Smoking and
you might not get it up.
So, if you decide not to quit,
you can still find another
use for this condom, including:
change purse
rain hat
fishing waders
cucumber carrying case
(the change purse and cucumber case are illustrated)
If you want to continue using condoms
for what they are meant for,
quit smoking today. For help call
The Vermont Quit Line Toll Free 1-877-YES-QUIT"
you might not get it up.
So, if you decide not to quit,
you can still find another
use for this condom, including:
change purse
rain hat
fishing waders
cucumber carrying case
(the change purse and cucumber case are illustrated)
If you want to continue using condoms
for what they are meant for,
quit smoking today. For help call
The Vermont Quit Line Toll Free 1-877-YES-QUIT"
This is a free service from the Vermont Department of Health. I need to go to the local Planned Parenthood to see if they have any. I think this is the funniest and most brilliant thing I have seen in a long time. If you are in a different state, let me know if you've seen anything similar.
Not sure how I would feel about it if I were still smoking, but I think it's definitely a way to get men to think about the other effects smoking has on their bodies (one they actually care about).
Not sure how I would feel about it if I were still smoking, but I think it's definitely a way to get men to think about the other effects smoking has on their bodies (one they actually care about).
Everyone I know needs to read this
Once again I was reading my favorite blog: List of the Day and Cary posted a link to an entry in Craig's List. Cary does this from time to time, and they are always hysterical. This one was funny, but a "Wow, is that ever familiar" kind of funny.
Here is the note on Craig's List:
Just fucking fuck me, already.
I will be saving this to post every year or so. I think it bears repeating with some frequency...
Here is the note on Craig's List:
Just fucking fuck me, already.
I will be saving this to post every year or so. I think it bears repeating with some frequency...
At Least They Have a Sense of Humor
I've been a huge supporter of The Vagina Monologues for years. I heard about The Puppetry of the Penis, and how it was supposed to be response to the attention doled out to vaginas. I don't give that reasoning any credence, but I love the concept.
I hadn't though about it in years, and then I surfed on over to my favorite blog:
List Of The Day: Penis Puppets Of The Day (NSFW)
I love penises.
I also think that the last pic looks a lot like CBT. But I may be mistaken.
I hadn't though about it in years, and then I surfed on over to my favorite blog:
List Of The Day: Penis Puppets Of The Day (NSFW)
I love penises.
I also think that the last pic looks a lot like CBT. But I may be mistaken.
Europeans are so much more fun...
I give this as an example:
First: props for the John Cleese homage.
Second: Ever think you would see that between The Today Show and Rachel Ray? Why is sex, fun sex, so taboo in the US?
However, where else am I going to find this accessory that I thought of while watching the above video? Well, the UK, and the Netherlands, and Germany, and... well, lots of places...
I'm glad that I was lucky enough to be born in the US, but occasionally wonder if the stork could have dropped me three hours north...
First: props for the John Cleese homage.
Second: Ever think you would see that between The Today Show and Rachel Ray? Why is sex, fun sex, so taboo in the US?
However, where else am I going to find this accessory that I thought of while watching the above video? Well, the UK, and the Netherlands, and Germany, and... well, lots of places...
I'm glad that I was lucky enough to be born in the US, but occasionally wonder if the stork could have dropped me three hours north...
People are weird
You probably don't need me to tell you that people are weird, but I thought I would point it out before directing you to a link that I ran across today:
http://www.shakethatbear.com/
It is definitely not safe for work, children, PETA, you get the idea...
After you watch, read the rest of this blog:
First, I was a little startled. I was not prepared, so I didn't prepare you either. I figured it was fair.
Next, I was pleased to see that she was using protection. Bears carry trichinosis and you must wear gloves while cleaning them.
I really hated the bit with the dogs. Bear is delicious, if a bit greasy; and to let the dogs have it seems horribly wasteful. But I hate trophy hunters anyway.
On the whole, I think that I can understand the emotion and adrenaline inciting amorous behavior. I'm not so sure that I would want to be bent over a still warm corpse of an animal that is probably carrying fleas and ticks and has the potential to carry disease. I also think that it's really weird. It was all planned. There was even a guy with a video camera standing by...
And to close: I am appalled that she was drinking at the end of the video. What kind of role model for future hunters is she trying to be?
http://www.shakethatbear.com/
It is definitely not safe for work, children, PETA, you get the idea...
After you watch, read the rest of this blog:
First, I was a little startled. I was not prepared, so I didn't prepare you either. I figured it was fair.
Next, I was pleased to see that she was using protection. Bears carry trichinosis and you must wear gloves while cleaning them.
I really hated the bit with the dogs. Bear is delicious, if a bit greasy; and to let the dogs have it seems horribly wasteful. But I hate trophy hunters anyway.
On the whole, I think that I can understand the emotion and adrenaline inciting amorous behavior. I'm not so sure that I would want to be bent over a still warm corpse of an animal that is probably carrying fleas and ticks and has the potential to carry disease. I also think that it's really weird. It was all planned. There was even a guy with a video camera standing by...
And to close: I am appalled that she was drinking at the end of the video. What kind of role model for future hunters is she trying to be?
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